A Horrible Warning

Who Needs Therapy?!? I Have a Freakin Blog!

I can't believe it's been 10 days since I've posted!

Wait, I kinda can. I've been very neglectful. I even neglected to bring my laptop with me on my flight to LAX on Friday night. I totally forfeited a serious blogging opportunity.

Even now, I'm truncating my post somewhat (I LIE!! This post is ridiculously long and slightly navel-gazing...you have been warned!!) because it's after 10, and one of the things I am focusing on in 2008 is getting something close to a decent night's sleep. So far? Um, dismal failure. But I am trying...

One of the other things I've been focusing on is being a better diabetic. I'm doing better on that front, although it's a day to day struggle.

The biggest thing I have done is to change my diet. One of the things that surprised me when I started researching the big D was that it isn't necessarily sugar that is so terrible for diabetics, but sugars...high carb stuff like bread and pasta, and high starch stuff like potatoes. I haven't given anything up completely, but I don't keep any of that in my house anymore (except for high fiber, low carb sandwich bread, and I've even cut down on that). I'm eating more meat and vegetables and eggs, and less processed white foods.

I'm only 3+ weeks in to my effort to take control of my metabolism. I am proud to say that I'm taking regular blood glucose readings, and that the changes are making a huge difference. For the most part, I'm already seeing numbers that are close to what someone without diabetes would get.

The food thing is, and probably always will be, a huge challenge. I am the self-proclaimed carb queen, and I have abdicated my throne, very reluctantly. I'm certain that you all have a very good idea what I'm talking about because we've all been on a diet...or at least attempted to eat healthy.

But the thing that is the hardest for me as a newbie is how to talk about it. I worry about talking about it too much and appearing to be seeking attention or a drama queen. I worry about avoiding the subject and appearing to be in denial or secretive. I worry about taking it too seriously. And I worry about not taking it seriously enough.

Right now, I'm erring on the side of honesty. The fact of the matter is that I am diabetic, it is a big deal in my life at the moment, and it is a disease that if not properly dealt with or ignored, can have very serious consequences. I think once I adjust to it, it will fade into being just another facet of my life like my pechant for falling down randomly...something that is anecdotal rather than central. But right now it is smack in the middle of my existence, and I have to allow myself to validate its importance and not feel bad about it.

However, there is something I do feel bad about...sort of. I did something kind of manipulative and bitchy. I made my mom test her blood sugar. In front of our entire nuclear family and one family friend.

She freaked the fuck out and refused at first. She acted like she was afraid of the finger stick, but I knew she was really afraid to see the results (welcome to the club, Mom!). We SHAMED HER INTO IT. You see, having a diabetic relative increases your risk. My diagnosis was the straw that broke the camel's back...she already had pretty much every other risk factor there is.

Ultimately everyone in the room tested. We had all eaten the same meal. Both of my sisters, my dad, and our friend were all within 5 points of each other, in a very safe zone. I was about 25 points higher, which was about 10 points shy of my high threshhold. My mom was almost 100 points higher than me (keep in mind I've been eating low carb and she hasn't). She was almost double the others.

I'm pretty sure my mom is diabetic, too. But I don't feel triumphant for being right to make her test. I don't want to tell her I told her so. I feel terrible for doing this to her. It is so out of character for me; I am a lot of things, but manipulative to this point is not one of them.

I did it out of desperation. I want her to deal with it and take care of herself. I want her to be healthy. I want her to see my children someday.

I'm afraid she won't and I can't make her. I'm afraid I'm going to have to watch her, helpless, while I'm fighting the battle myself. I'm afraid I will get frustrated and say awful things I can't take back.

And I'm not sure if being a pushy know-it-all bitch qualifies as being a better diabetic. I do hope, though, that it makes me a good daughter. 

How Much Does Stupidity Cost?

Today, it cost me 80 American dollars. While the dollar is in fact weak in the global marketplace, that is still a lot of moolah to me.

Thankfully it is only for domestic travel, so I avoid getting financially raped twice.

I've had a nagging feeling that my plane reservations were not quite right. I've been meaning to check on it for about a week. But I never did because I am lazy. Lazy and stupid, apparently. Lazy and stupid will cost you. 80 dollars American.

Anyway, it is simple. I am going down for the baby shower of a close family friend that is scheduled for next Saturday. So the plan was to fly out on Friday night, and back Monday night since it is MLK day. So I checked the email they sent me, and sure enough, I had the 19th so melted into my brain that I decided, with no small level of brilliance, that was the day to get on the plane. At 8 pm.

Fuck.

Since it is less than a week away, the fares have gone up significantly. By, you guessed it, 80 dollars.

Also, I needed help to figure out how to fix it. I've flown many many times, but never have I had to switch a reservation. I'm starting to think that was just dumb luck.

Or maybe my stupidity, and laziness, has finally caught up with me.

In that case, I probably got off cheap.

Adaptation

2008 is off to an interesting start for me.

As Aimee has already mentioned, we had some major storming all over Sacramento on Friday. It seems like a zillion trees toppled, some of them into cars and even houses. There were power outages and street flooding, both of which I experienced firsthand. I have to say that I was extraordinarily lucky. Not only did my car not float away (I even did a 3 point turn in the middle of a busy shopping center entrance, right in front of a large truck, to avoid a puddle that was too high for me to attempt in my wee car) in street flooding on my way home from the Toyota dealership (I had to have some drive fan thingamajig replaced under warranty...and Bree was kind enough to deliver me from my office door to the dealership's door because she rocks), but I also never lost my TV or my internet because all of my power outages were either when I wasn't home or were partial (lights dimmed, stove burners worked intermittentantly). Whew, I think that might have been the world's most convoluted sentence. Yay me!

I finally got a new glucose monitor on Thursday night to try and control my blood sugar and maybe lose some weight in the process. I also bought a very cute little notebook to keep track of it all with. It is called Tracy's Very Orange Big D Diary. It's true, I even wrote it on the inside cover. Of course, after writing in it religiously on Thursday and Friday, I already fell off the wagon this weekend. I did still take my blood sugar, but writing stuff, not so much. Fortunately, my numbers have been good. At least I think they have. Hopefully the nutritionist will think so...if I ever get a call back from my doctor's office for a referral.

Anyway, let's suffice it to say that even though I've done a pretty good job so far with making changes to my diet, seeing what I put in my mouth everyday is somewhat shocking. Mostly I have a handle on my portions. But then I find myself writing "several handfuls of trail mix." Which probably means 22 handfuls of trail mix. At least it is sitting on my kitchen counter and I have had to walk the 20 feet from couch to counter every time I get a handful (heaping, natch) instead of sitting on the couch and pouring it directly into my mouth. Baby steps, people.

My biggest adjustment for 2008 is coming earlier than expected. In fact, it started in early December 2007. I haven't seen EB since sometime in the first week of December (we both admitted on the phone yesterday to not being entirely certain when the last time we got together was). First he had work commitments on his new project in Central California (although that doesn't officially start until sometime this week, but could've fooled me), then he had to beat the weather to go home for the holidays in New York. I know I haven't mentioned him much recently, and that is mostly due to not wanting to be a broken record of frustration, frustration, frustration.

That's definitely how I've been feeling, especially in the past few days. We're both going a little nuts. I have already warned him to be prepared to end up on the floor, what with the inevitability of me literally throwing myself at him.

And yesterday it got worse. He should be landing in California in the next 30 or so minutes, but instead of coming home like we originally thought, he has to be in Central California at 7 tomorrow morning.

And he's supposed to be there for the whole week.

That primal scream? Is my severaly disappointed libido, freaking the fuck out. Hey, I could have been much cruder about it...it's been more than a month!!!

Yes, yes, I really, really miss him, too...not just the naked time. But at this moment? I'm damned near movtivated to drive the 300 miles for some naked time. Followed by passing out while spooning him, my face buried in his back, breathing in his lovely scent.

Which I hope I don't have to do. I really want him to come home to me.

Or rather to his home. He has the oh-so-comfy TempurPedic.

Yep, 2008 oughta be interesting all right...

Christmas Baking with the Crazies

As promised lo so many days ago, here are some pictures of my maternal nocturnal baking extravaganza:

Yes, that IS flour on my right boob. Thanks for noticing!

My mom would kill me if she knew I put this on the Internets, but it is a great view of the carnage.

This is only a fraction of what we produced

I attempted to continue my tradition of making my dad chocolate chip cookies without the chips. You can't tell how dismal a failure it is from the photo, but they are limp, gooey, and way underbaked...

This is where the extra chips went...my favorites...mmm, with dark chocolate chips!

Funny, I documented the hell out of this, but there is not one photo of The Chipmunk opening Christmas presents (or telling me, "Auntie, I need more presents!" once she had opened everything). Apparently my priorities are right in line...

Bonus Post (Wow, 2 in 1 Day!!): Chipmunk Story I Totally Forgot to Tell

I have to relate this truthful toddler story before I forget about it again.

When I was watching my nieces for Thanksgiving week, one day my parents came over to go to lunch and the park with the girls and me. Once we had everyone loaded up and strapped in, the brilliant beings from whence I sprung realized that they had forgotten to take their meds. Since we didn't want anyone's blood pressure spiking, we ran by their house first. The following is an exchange between the Chipmunk and me as we waited for them to return to the car, fully medicated.

Auntie: singing along to Creedence Clearwater Revival song on the car radio.

Chipmunk: "Auntie Tracy, shh, don't sing." 

Auntie: (louder) "There's a bad moon on the rise..."

Chipmunk: "Auntiiiiie!  Trouble (Youngest Sister's cat, who, incidentally, is somewhere in the house) is trying to sleep. He doesn't want you to sing."

Auntie: "Do you not like my singing, Chipmunk?"

Chipmunk: "Nooooo."

Since I am well aware that I have a terrible voice, I wasn't very insulted by this. In fact, it was everything I could do not to completely dissolve into giggles. She is listening when her mom tells her to be polite. She is honest when pressed. But boy does she get her point across!

I Have No Resolve

I'm not big on resolutions. I imagine it might be because, while I like the concept of personal responsibility, consistency is not always my strongsuit.

So in these waning moments of the first day of the year 2008, I will tell you what I wish to focus on this year.

1. Being a good diabetic: Thus far I have been a pretty poorly behaved one.

2. Money: As in having some.

3. Vacuuming my damned carpet with some level of regularity: It's crappy apartment rental carpet, but I really hate gross floors. This will require the purchase of a reliable vacuum. Easier said than done. See #2.

4. Not always being partially packed: I travel often, but not THAT fucking often.

5. Prioritizing the crap that I carry around: Why do I need a bill from August in the bottom of my purse? One that I did in fact already pay? Also, why do I need a dislocated shoulder? Because that it what a 17 pound purse will net you.

Is 5 things enough? Or maybe it's too much. Should I focus on taking on less things I will surely stress about but ultimately not do anyway?

Nah. 5 is a nice round number. That's a good enough reason for me.

*Edited to add: I forgot #6.

6. Going to bed at a reasonable hour: Midnight is not reasonable when I have to be to work at 7:15. I would have to sleep almost an hour into work before I would hit that magic 8 hour number.

So much for my round number. Shit.