A Horrible Warning

On Being Brilliant

HW - "I have an ego about my intelligence. I think I'm smarter than most people."

I braced myself. This was a pretty big confession for me.

EB (deadpan, and not missing a beat) - "I think you are as dumb as a box of rocks."

HW (can't come up with a decent comeback - smacks EB lightly) - After pause: "I am the smartest person in most rooms."

EB - "Until you met me. Then you bowed down."

HW (deciding not to play his stupid game...after all, smartest person in the room (OK, at that moment in his truck...what.ever.) has no need for stupid boy games) - "Bow down? Um, no. I did think you might be up to the challenge. In some areas. Maybe."

EB - Chuckles

HW - Changes subject

HW, later in bed - "You know you think I'm brilliant."

EB - "Mm hmm, whatever you say."

HW - "Say it! Say I'm brilliant!"

EB (I can hear the eyeroll in the dark) - "Fine. I think you are dumber than a box of rocks." Resumes making out with me.

OK, so I didn't prove my brilliance in this instance (there is copious empirical evidence to support my assertion anyway, including the preceding use of big, impressive words, that negates the necessity for me to argue the point...admit it, you are impressed with my arrogance if not my mental prowess). I didn't even get anywhere in the argument. But I did get some engineer lovin'.

And EB did prove who has the big balls.

From the Mouth of The Chipmunk

My sister still has the nasty infection and was rewarded for that today with a shot in the ass. My youngest sister has bounced back (again!!) to her ex-boyfriend (yep, the really creepy one), and they are going to go to couple's counseling.

This all makes me very apprehensive. So instead of dealing with it, I had a telephone conversation with an almost 3 year old.

The first thing she said to me was, "Auntie Tracy, I found a spider in my neck," and then something else I didn't understand.

I giggled and asked her to repeat herself. Then I heard my sister (she told me later that she put me on speakphone so that she could do the toddler to English translation) say, "She has a butterfly net, and she is telling you about catching a spider."

She went on, "what she said was 'Auntie Tracy, I found a barking spider in my net.  And it came from in Daddy's butt.' Awesome, isn't it?"

After I finally caught my breath, The Chipmunk and I continued our conversation. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was playing hide and seek with Nan (her daddy's mother) and Daddy. She then asked if I wanted to come play, too, and I told her that yes, of course I wanted to play with her, but that I was at my house. I heard my sister tell her that I was far away, with The Chipmunk replying with words I couldn't hear. My sister told her to ask me.

"Auntie Tracy, why do you live far away?"

So below the belt.

When we were talking about her upcoming birthday, she asked why I wanted to eat her birthday cake. So I reminded her about how there would be enough for everyone and that she needed to share. After that my sister tried to get her to hand over her phone so that she could talk to Auntie now. The Chipmunk told her, "Mommy, I'm still talking. You need to share your phone nicely, please."

With that kind of logic, my sister let her keep talking. She jabbered on for quite some time with my sister occasionally reminding her that she should be playing with Nan, who was there to see her. She would respond with, "Mommy, I'm still talking."

Most of the time when I call my sister, The Chipmunk is too busy playing to want to talk, so I enjoyed this rare opportunity to chat with her. Still, I couldn't resist asking, "Are you taking after Auntie, with the talking?"

Duh Auntie. She said, "yessssss."

Guess Nan was right. When The Chipmunk was probably 4 months old, she started babbling incessantly. Her Nan said, "wonder where she gets that from?" and stared at me.

Yeah, but at least I don't let her see the barking spiders in my butt.

 

Wound Too Tight

Ever since I started running again, I've sprained my knee, torn my soleus (twice!!), had my hip so swollen and tight that I couldn't run, had off and on plantar fascia issues, and tight quads and IT bands (the area on the outsides of your upper legs). For the past 11 months I have been seeing a physical therapist, and he's been helping me through it.

I've been considering taking a different tack. Every time we fix one issue, another one pops up. It's starting to feel ridiculous.

It's also getting really expensive. My PT doesn't take my insurance.

I KNOW! I won't even think about adding up what I've spent. If I did, I'm sure I'd find an alternate sport. Like polo. Even with the horse, it would probably be cheaper.

So yesterday I went to a sports medicine clinic for a consultation ($10 co-pay!). I really liked the doctor. She is young(ish), and therefore more open-minded and up on the latest trends...I couldn't place her age with any level of certainty...and she obviously knew a thing or two about sports injury. Also, instead of telling me that I'm too heavy to run distances, she whole-heartedly encouraged me to go for it. She even said my undies were cute when I couldn't avoid showing them to her during the exam (they put you in these shorts things that, in her words, are not made for those of us with curves).

All of those things made me inclined to believe her when she told me that she thinks all of the problems I've been experiencing, including my back issues in my teens, stem from my hamstrings being too tight. She said that people with that issue stand funny (and I'm sure I do) and it causes all kinds of misalignment. She did give me a referral to another PT (another $10 co-pay...can't get the check card out fast enough for that one) to take care of that side of things.

I plan to stretch the hell out of my hammies. If that turns out to be the culprit, I will have mixed emotions about the simplicity of it. On one hand, easy fix! On the other hand, holy hell would I have wasted a lot of time (and mucho dollares) on treatment so far.

And I have to wonder: will it do anything about all the falling down?

Of Absence and Fears

I've been having the hardest time writing a post lately. Could you tell? When it's been 11 days since the last time, I'm sure it looks like I either have a raging case of writer's block or have suddenly lost use of my typing fingers. Or my internet.

Or most likely, my brain.

The last couple of weeks haven't been completely uneventful, but I just haven't found a way to make any of it make sense.

There are a couple of things I feel like I definitely should tell you guys. First, my sister was released from the hospital the Friday after Labor Day and seems to be recovering well. I am very relieved, although part of me still wonders if I should have just hopped into the car and rushed down there. Everything went well, but it was still scary. She's 31 and has 2 kids, but she's still my baby sister.

Second, in the last 2 weeks I have run 10 miles (in a Sunday road race called the Buffalo Stampede that I cannot seem to find a proper link for) while I was in the midst of a lovely headcold (this I figured out sometime around mile 4), and then 11 miles with some muscle issues. Both times I was honestly just glad to be able to run. Believe it or not, even with that kind of mileage, I'm still a bit behind (Bree did over 17 miles on Saturday!!). Until a couple of weeks ago, I was up with the marathoners. Fortunately, I'm still up with the half-marathon group, so things are not too bleak.

Riveting stuff, no? So for the entertainment portion of our program, I've compiled a list. Because I have been thinking about this for some reason.

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Things That I'm Scared Of (In No Particular Order)

• Spiders - They are yucky, and sometimes they give me cellulitis
• Maybe losing weight then gaining it all back plus some, and then crying a lot
• Being stung by a bee - I never have been, so I have no idea if I'm allergic or not
• Going deaf - I would miss music so much, but this does not stop me from putting a Q-Tip in my ear at least once a day
• Doing a somersault - I tried a year or so ago, and really thought I'd break my neck and my cat would have eaten part of me before they found me

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I have more to tell you guys, but it is getting late, and I have an Accounting test tomorrow night that I've only devoted about 20 minutes to studying for. Yeah, I'm pretty fucked.

Until then, have a happy Monday.

Just One More Thing

Before I go to bed (over an hour late), I just have to ask you guys:

Are you as creeped out as I am that Martha Stewart is using the song Pour Some Sugar on Me in her ads? With a slogan that is something like Recipes that Rock?

I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Hot Auntie

Well, it’s official. I am a sucker. I am a total baby hog. I am fully hooked on both of my nieces.

I had decided that I would shower The Chipmunk with attention before even looking in Ruffle Butt’s direction long before the long drive down to LA this weekend. She is the first grandchild on both sides of the family and it’s a big adjustment for her to have to share the limelight with a cuddly newborn. Also, she is highly entertaining. And I absolutely adore her (I know, you had NO IDEA). It turned out that I didn’t even have to put a minimum of effort out anyway because she flung herself at me the second I hit the door. You guys, this is the stuff that kills you, and makes you really regret living 6+ hours away. Notice the “you” in that sentence? If I say me, I cry just a little.

Ruffle Butt twisted that knife but good, too. She’s a month old now, and even though she is a little chunk, she is still a newborn. Which means she doesn’t know yet that she has a choice about who has her. I may or may not have had her in my arms for the better part of 3 days. I stopped short at baring my teeth and emitting a low growl at people who dared come near, but just barely. I even napped with her at one point. That is a piece of heaven right there. If you haven’t tipped back in a recliner with a tiny baby sprawled on your chest and belly and drifted off, you’re missing out. I highly recommend it. As long as the kid belongs to someone you know. Otherwise, I will call in a tip to the creepy baby sleeping hotline. Tough love, honey.

It was really a lovely weekend. Aside from the raging heat, of course. It was 100 + the entire time I was in LA. Did you know that most people who live close to the coast and have 1950’s housing don’t have AC? I grew up in that situation. We would go to the mall or the movies to escape whenever there was a heatwave. I thought I remembered well, but the reality of it is so much worse than my memory. More than once I had sweat beads dripping down my ass crack. It tickled. That was when I was just sitting. When I went for a run along Bolsa Chica State Beach, it was pouring off of every part of me and straight into my eyes. When I left the beach just before 10 a.m., it was already 84 degrees.

Hell, even though my sister has a window AC in her living room, a couple of times I had to actually put the baby down because she was too warm. Now that’s just wrong.

I volunteered to give The Chipmunk her bath on Sunday night. I ran it really cool because she had been out running around in the sweltering backyard, helping her dad work on whatever desert vehicle he’s building at the moment. She splashed and “swam” while I sat on the toilet, thoroughly amused. Every once in awhile I would pump some of the baby wash stuff into my hand and clean a different part of her body, trying to make it a game so that she wouldn’t throw a fit. Since that room isn’t air conditioned, I found myself getting pretty warm after about 30 minutes of toddler chat. Once I finally conned her into letting me wash her hair (my sister was amazed), I let her play a few more minutes. When I got to the point that I couldn’t take it anymore, I grabbed a towel and made her get out. I took her back into the cool living room and collapsed on the couch, leaving her mother to go retrieve her brush and begin the hair wars.

When my sister came back from her mission in the bathroom, she asked me if I had maybe turned on the heater in there. Uh, there’s a heater? Yep, it’s in the ceiling and operated by what looks like a light switch. Fucking A. This quality time shit could totally leave a girl with heat stroke.

Since I had Ruffle Butt pretty well glued to me, I took over most of her care while I was there (also, my sister has had an infection since giving birth that she just found out about last week...she wasn't up to doing too much...also, they put her in the hospital yesterday to do IV antibiotics...I'm freaking out just a little...I hate that my sister is hospitalized and I am 400 miles away...fucking sucks, quite frankly). I managed to not cover the child in ointment this time. I didn’t make her throw up either. But we did have a poop geyser incident. It took several tries, and a lot of waiting for her to finish, to finally get her cleaned up. She may have gotten some of the liquidy green stuff on her bare foot too, and I may have simply wiped it off with a baby wipe, but we’ll never know for sure. Don’t take the fact that I would only munch the toes on one of her feet after that as any indication…

Since I’m going to be taking care of the girls while my sister and brother-in-law are in Hawaii over Thanksgiving (the bitches), I am hoping that the fact that I kept her fed and dry and snuggled for a couple of days will make Ruffle Butt think of me as the auntie who does Itsy Bitsy Spider and This Little Piggy for her instead of the auntie whose face was in the way when she decided to head butt (that was one of two times she actually cried while I was there…the other was because the bottle was not shoved in her face quickly enough).

The Chipmunk can be bribed with donuts.